Top 10 Hillsboro highlights

10. Mumford mooned Half Acre at 90 mph, especially impressive since they had to hot swap drivers on the highway to pull it off.

9. Brian Ellison on a conference call, over breakfast at Dohacks Family Restaurant. "FUCK YEAH DUDES. FIRE IT UP." The entire conversation was in all caps.

8. Jamie opting out of racing in the nasty and serving as soigneur, first class. We all needed it at some time or another.

7. Marie got reacquainted with her old friend, Hillsboro mailbox. This time, mailbox took the worst of it and Marie finished in the top 10.

6. Daphers capped off her first trip to the borough of hills with a medal in 4th.

5. Andrew flatted, and for once, he had listened to the race organizers in not putting too many extra wheels in the truck and counted on borrowing one. No dice, so he celebrated early with the ladies.

4. Avi finally dragged himself over the hill near the front, for the first time ever, where a slow leak caught up with him. He scrounged up a wheel from the ladies of the crew and rode a lap solo, because he has an old DETH B4 DNF prison tattoo.

3. Mumford had to pee, so he told the front group he was going off to make it rain, and rode away. Nobody knows exactly what happened up there, but rumor has it has was wheelying around a corner on a descent, whilst peeing in the gutter, things got a little too krunk, and he decided to pull off and water a tree properly. Unfortunately this act of bravado inspired everyone to start acting like they were in a bike race, and left him chasing.

2. Mike was 5th wheel over the top of the final climb, but a little overcompensation for 4th wheel's wide line put him in some deep gravel. He recovered to finish in the teens.

1. Our post-race goose chase (in search of beer and food under the same roof) found us at a bar constructed entirely of particle board and Tyvek signs. The kitchen had a two pizza capacity, but they gave us free jello shots. Hillsboro's equivalent of "the tamale guy" surfaced, so we didn't starve. We almost had a Karaoke outbreak, but we were able to control ourselves, though the owner tried to entice us by offering to set up the beer pong table. I think he recognized our potential.

Actually a couple of those things weren't very fun at all, but they were supplemented by the following: several members of our entourage, J-Rho and K-Tom, notched top tens. Mumford was interviewed on race radio over the loudspeaker at the s/f, where he recounted his off-road adventures while somehow not violating God's code of conduct. Mike said, "hey, check this out" before dropping his pants. Andrew invented "Nordyking it" though it somehow remains undefined. Avi brought his wife a Neurogasm from a highway truck stop, but she didn't seem to be too impressed. Mumford did 27 other things that were so entertaining, he should be paid just to hang around and make people happy. And for god's sake, if Hillsboro means one thing, it's bike racing season again, so even with good legs and disappointing results, how bad can life be?